August 5, 2007 (Our First Day Together)

This is quite possibly the most personal post I’ve written on this blog, but there’s no other way to write about this day in our lives.  If I happen to get a bunch of readers I’ll just make this one protected and you can comment email me about the password, but we’re a long way from that!

After Chloe’s crying during our first visit the day before I guess nothing should have surprised me during Day 1 of our life together, but I’ll admit I was a little surprised.  I don’t really know what I expected, but I know that I was hoping for the story I had read on so many other blogs about the baby coming in and just snuggling right into life with the new family.  Not. so. much.  It seems to me that looking back my baby was very wise for being just over 9 months old.  She knew her name and responded to it when I said it.  She knew exactly who I was and that I was about to take her away from everything familiar to her, good or bad.  She wasn’t thrilled about it.  Even at that age she hated change.  Still not a huge fan of it, but that’s an entirely different post!  

She cried that day like I hope to never hear again, out of anyone, ever.  Crying doesn’t even seem like the right word.  I don’t know if there is a word for it, which makes sense because that emotion shouldn’t even exist for someone so young.  Finally after an hour, or two I don’t know how long because time doesn’t move properly when your child is grieving like that. She exhausted herself and fell asleep.  After that happened we were able to leave and head back to the hotel.  I was afraid that if she didn’t stop crying they wouldn’t let me leave with her, and that if she started crying again they’d just tell me I had to come back and try again tomorrow.  She fell asleep and slept all through the van ride to the hotel.  We went straight up to the room and my cousins (P&D) got some directions for where to go shopping for food and supplies.  She was fine (by fine I mean sobbing silently in her sleep, but the tears stopped) for a few minutes while she slept, and then she woke up and started crying again.   She had some momentary relief from her sadness when we introduced her to the little shaking baseball that Suz gave her.  I don’t know how many times we pulled that string, but I would have pulled it a hundred times more if I’d had to.  Every time she fell asleep and then woke up again her crying seemed to be a little less devastating, but still very intense.

After we got back P&D went to buy diapers, formula, juice, and cereal for Chloe and snacks and drinks for the adults.  That Coke Light was the greatest thing ever!!!  They also bought cereal and cookies for us, but for once in my life I didn’t even eat an Oreo.  They had food delivered from the restaurant next door, which I remember being very good, but I could only get down about 4 bites that D actually fed to me because I didn’t even have the desire or energy to move a hand from under the sleeping princess.  She was broken-hearted and that’s about all I can say about Day One.  It isn’t a day we celebrate with a party.  It’s a day I remember all day with a longing to make her life happy.  I know I only have so much involvement in her happiness, but while she’s young and I’m a big part of it I’m doing what I can.  We have less than a dozen pictures from this day, and I’m not posting any of them.  Not really a day of photo ops, but such an important day in both of our lives.